For awhile now, Darrell and I have talked about how hilarious it would be if I would try to watch a movie on netflix that is truly terrible and write a review about the movie for as long as I can stand to watch the flick. Movies like Cripple Master, where the two protagonists are both amputees, one dude is missing his arms, and the other dude is missing his legs, they end up (I guess, I could only watch the first 9 minutes of the movie) with the legless guy sitting on the the armless guy’s shoulders doing kung fu to save the day. This idea has kept us laughing for months now, my god you wouldn’t believe how funny we thought it would be! But, guess what? It isn’t funny, yo!
Editor’s Note: Great care was spent in selecting all the images in this review. We felt that the seven images used best describes the game.
You see, I just did something I haven’t done in years now, I just threw my controller down, ejected a Xbox disc from the tray and put it back in the GameFly envelope barely a third of the way into a game. I’ve played shitty games before, games like Green Lantern: Rise of the Manhunter, Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs, and all of the CSI and NCIS games, BACK TO BACK! But, now, I am here to tell you, I’ve reached my breaking point, and that’s The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct.
You’re Darrell Dixon, from the T.V. show, The Walking Dead, and you’re trying to find your family during the initial outbreak of Walkers from the storyline in the television show. As you pass through each small city, you encounter survivors, which you’re tasked to help to receive rewards, from people to add to your team, to extra ammunition, or medicine. After completing the tasks, you can leave the city to move onto the next. Along the way…..errrr……I mean every time, you’re car will break down, you’ll get a flat tire, or run out of gas, and you must rectify the situation. The funny thing is, every time, you stop in one of four different places. A small garage with a trailer park behind it, a campground right off the highway, or a farmhouse in the outside of town. Again, and again, you visit these places in search of a perfectly fit tire which, so happens to be the correct size and bolt pattern for whichever car you are currently using, with full tread and aired to the exact psi recommended by the manufacturer. What I’m saying is, it’s bullshit.
Apparently there is some sort of running storyline transpiring, but I couldn’t give one actual fuck about what is going on, and that’s because of…..
Writing, Gameplay, Sound
Let me break down the writing with a quick story from the game. [Spoiler Alert] Early in the game, I believe it was my fourth chapter, I came across a drive in movie that was, surprise, overrun with Zombies. Inside the projector room, sat an old black lady who was calmly sitting with being protected by a couple of jersey barriers which were outside an open door. Respectfully, you start up a conversation with this old, sweet lady, and you ask if she’d like to accompany you, and your rag tag team of worthless flesh. No, she replies, she will make a way, but maybe you could do her a favor in return for her car? Sure, no problem, sweet old lady. What would you like? Food? Nope. Water? No thanks. Medication for whichever malady you’re suffering from? Nada. Please fetch me my cat. Not joking here. Naturally, you battle thorough the swarm of Zombies, reach her home in the outskirts of the area, and find her fucking cat. Back to the drive in, and the old sweet lady is happy. She hands over her keys, and the car is back at her house. Apparently, the 85 year old lady walked to work that day, and thought nothing about her return trip at 3 am, because that’s what fucking time the goddamn drive-in movies are over where I live!
The gameplay is, without a doubt, the worst I’ve experienced in a game. It was advertised as a first person shooter, which, I guess, is accurate. The problem is, if you actually shoot, you get the zombie herd on your ass, that means, you end up only using the knife, or hammer. Over and over again, 5 swipes to the head of a zombie, or 4 contacts to the head with the hammer, and you have yourself a dead zombie. If you get overrun, you go into a minigame, where you get a cursor over the zombie’s face, and hit the trigger button to stab them in the face. If there’s multiple zombies, you do this multiple times. If there’s a hundred zombies (and there will be a hundred zombies at some point) you stab them in the face one hundred times. If this is montonous to read about, imagine actually fucking doing it. Here is a Quick Review for YouTube I’ve done, showing the face stabbings from a random video clip I chose.
Here’s a quick paragraph about the sound! I have no idea, about 5 minutes into my gameplay, I turned on my music full blast so I wouldn’t have to experience the game any more that I was.
Overall, this is a terrible title, without a doubt the worst game I’ve played in the past year, and, most likely, in my top 20 of the worst games I’ve ever played. I was very excited to play the game, so I’m extremely disappointed, I really enjoyed the first TWD game, and I’ve recently, albeit slowly, begun watching the T.V. show. Overall, I’d give the game a 61, but that’s because 60 and under is a game that is completely broken, which makes it impossible to finish. On second thought….
Raptr Tale of the Tape
Note, I’ve decided to include the information that Raptr accumulated in my reviews for the Achievement/Trophy hunters to use to help decide if the game is worth to play. The information can sometimes not be 100% accurate when it comes to time played.
The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct 4 hours played 13/49 Achievements won
The fact I played the game for four hours, and it wasn’t an eternity is amazing. I would not advise playing this game to completion, I don’t know if you’ll survive.