Hey guys and gals, and welcome back to the Top 5: Episode of 1980’s Cartoons That Should Have Been Made, Part 2. The first installment, found here, was so popular, I thought I would do another one. Now, I must admit, I am a little nervous writing a second part to it, I wouldn’t want to seem like the Goo Goo Dolls, rewriting shitty slow song, after shitty slow song, trying to relive the success of Iris. Regardless, here we go, I hope it doesn’t suck.
5. G.I. Joe: Going AWOL in Thailand
G.I. Joe, still hot on the tail of the Cobra Operative, visits Thailand to try to stop the production of the Mass Device, gets a little more than he bargained for during he rare night off. Visiting a “Gentleman’s Establishment”, Joe hooks up with a dancer with a Meth problem and tries to make her his wife. He soon fell into the drug as well, and travels across the country, trying to score the good shit to regain the feeling of his first high. Credit cards soon begin to be declined, and his bank account is severely overdrawn, he soon turns to prostitution when his paycheck runs dry, and finds himself giving a blowjob to the Cobra Commander behind a dumpster in an alleyway, long removed from the safety of being in the service. The episode ends with Joe exclaiming “Now I know, and blowing is half the battle” before wiping his chin.
4. Gobots: Getting Ripped Off
One would normally think that being a Gobot would be a constant barrage of violence aimed at the Renegade Gobots, but that isn’t generally the case. In today’s episode, we get to see the good guys support one of their own. It seems Dumper, widely recognized as the most artistic of the Gobots, display some of his artwork at the local Art Studio. Dumper stays onhand and explains his artwork proudly, but soon, something catches his eye. It seems that a lot of people, and some Renegade Gobots, have really enjoyed his work, and the Renegade Creepy has copied his artwork. Heartbroken, Dumper breaks down, and begins to cry. Luckily, Van Gard is there to give him a full frontal hug, and settles him down to watch his favorite program….The Transformers.
3. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Donatello Has Bulimia
Everyone knows that there isn’t much a Ninja Turtle won’t do for pizza, but in today’s episode, we deal with a more serious issue. Being a turtle isn’t easy, first of all you’re green, and like Kermit says, it ain’t easy, secondly, a Turtle’s metabolism is notoriously slow, and lastly, female Turtles don’t go for a heavy set Ninja. Donatello knows all of this, and to make matters worse, he’s on T.V. and that adds a lot of pressure. Being the cutting edge socially sensitive Turtles they are, the crew holds, what could be call the first, intervention. Eventually Donatello agrees he has a problem after Leonardo’s emotional plea for normalcy, and Don goes off for treatment. Luckily, the gang is there for Don, just like we are all as well.
2. The Transformers: Optimus Prime’s Trailer, The Den of Despair.
Everyone thinks of the 1980’s as an episode of Miami Vice, big hair, big boobs, and big stacks of cocaine. While this is entirely true, the rampant sex and drug abuse came at a toll, and that was to the bank account of Prime. Doctors and 8balls don’t come cheap, and soon the Autobots were broke, and were forced to rent or sell off the majority of their assets. Unfortunately, they decided to rent Prime’s trailer to the Catholic Church for a youth camp. This had not surprising results, and kids, mainly little boys, started getting hurt. When Optimus Prime found out, he went ham on some motherfuckers and decided to let God sort them all out.
1. Jem: Going To The Clinic
Gem was the Hannah Montana of the 1980’s, and not surprisingly, Jerrica was also the Miley Cyrus as well. Deeply integrated in the Mutant Sex scene, just as Miley is now, Jem contracted several diseases she passed on to her boyfriend Rio. Rio found out, but not through Twitter, or Facebook, but by the terrible burning sensation emanating from his urethra. When he confronted Jerrica couldn’t deny it, she had contracted Gonorrhea during a wild night involving 17 dudes, a Llama, and a Camel. Luckily, she didn’t get pregnant.